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Alcoholics/addicts do not usually live in a circle made up exclusively of alcoholics and addicts. Most people suffering from addictions have a multitude of people in their lives who are affected by the addiction. Even alcoholics and addicts that are estranged from their vital others, whether spouses or parents, or siblings, of their children, impact the lives of those who love them. When there is addiction in your family, it is vital to get help, even if you are not the addict.
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One of the reasons that it is vital for entire household to secure preserve and services is the systemic nature of families. In a system, each part affects and is affected by all the parts. Changes in one part (person) of a principles affects the whole principles in a host of ways.
When teaching about family dynamics of addiction and salvage and explaining how a family principles can operate to help or hinder the salvage of the alcoholic/addict, I will use a mobile to illustrate. Dream if you will, a mobile with two grandparent generation figures on the top, two parents on the second tier, and three children on the third tier, then a dog and cat on the bottom tier. This mobile is hanging from the ceiling. It has a natural equilibrium, or balance, to it.
Now Dream a weight moderately being applied to one of the parent figures (it does not matter which one). As the strain is applied, all figures on the mobile adjust and adjust to accommodate the change in the altered parent. It flops nearby a bit as the weight is applied. As it settles in, the mobile has adapted a new equilibrium or balance.
Imagine now, that the parent figure with the weight (or addiction) suddenly has the weight removed. All parts of that principles will be flopping nearby trying to re-establish an equilibrium. This is what happens in an addicted family system. Each part of that principles affects every other part-even in recovery. As the relatives of an addict change their own behavior to accommodate the addict's changes, each family member tends to build maladaptive characteristics and traits.
In the procedure of survival, the essence of relationships between family members changes. The non-addicted spouse often takes on more and more responsibilities and roles within the family. A marriage that was once a association between equals may change to one of caretaking or "parenting" the other. Power in the association shifts.
As the addiction progresses in the addict, so do the family dynamics of addiction. The procedure of those changes is predictable. The rules within the principles changes as the members finally reorganize without the addict. The alcoholic/addict may still be physically present, but may come to be emotionally absent and withdrawn from the family. vital others often quit trying to re-engage the addict, and begins to carry on with life without him/her. These behavioral adjustments change the organization and functioning of the system, in the same process that addiction changes the system.
When the alcoholic/addict sobers up, this signals an additional one change in the system. family members may not know what to do with this change. As the alcoholic/addict tries to secure full functioning in the different areas of their lives, family members who have changed to adjust to the addiction may resist the association changes that salvage needs. The "parenting" spouse may resist giving up the need to parent the other spouse. They may oppose the plan of the alcoholic taking back responsibilities abandoned in the addiction or may still perceive the addict as "incompetent" and "untrustworthy". And, indeed, trust is a association attribute that takes a long time to return.
The spouse who has taken on more and more of the responsibilities as the addict has abandoned them, may be deeply invested in being "the responsible one", or "the good parent", and may need an "incompetent one" or "the bad parent", to counterbalance their role in the system. Families can resist the salvage changes in the addict in many ways. Spouses (and children) may even say "I liked you good stoned/drunk."
Often, loved ones like the alcoholic/addict just the way they are, with irregularity to the inappropriate, unpredictable behavior and the usual negative consequences of their addiction. They may share the alcoholic/addict's notions that all they need is to lose the addiction and everything else in their lives will be fine. Alcoholics/addicts and their family members may hold on to the plan that they will be able to learn to drink without the natural negative consequences linked with it.
Family systems typically include more than one alcoholic/addict. In fact, there are usually layers of addiction in families. Frequently, there are two alcoholic spouses. Sometimes the addiction has progressed so much supplementary in one of the spouses that it is more apparent that this spouse has addiction, when the addiction of the other partner is not so obvious. With many addicts in a family, there would be many family structures, roles, and rules that would tend to promote the chronic use of alcohol or other drugs. A typical example would be family celebrations that continue to involve alcohol.
On the other hand, family members often have the underground prospect that a sober alcoholic will turn into the someone that the family member all the time wanted them to be. It is very coarse that family members have identified many of the addict's undesirable personality characteristics or behavior as "the addiction" and believe that with the absence of the chemical, the addict's true self will emerge. Although many family members see a preview of the spectacular, changes in the addict in the honeymoon duration of recovery, sustained personality and behavioral changes occur over time.
Thus, the recovering addict is subject to the underground expectations of his/her family members, regardless of whether the family expect him/her to miraculously be the someone they all the time wanted now that the chemical is absent from their lives, or whether they expect the addict to stay the same, but without the drugs. The recovering addict often has a hard time trying to figure out where they fit in the family, how they feel about other family members, and how to stay clean and sober amidst conflicting expectations. It is however, all the time helpful for everyone to remember that each recovering someone is responsible for their own recovery.
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