Friday, June 29, 2012

Sexual Addiction - Help For the Sex Addict's Spouse - Part 5

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Can the spouse of a sex addict find help individually for the effects of the sexual addiction on their lives? Sure. Much of the time, however, it is the crisis of discovery of the acting out, or some other connected crisis that brings the sex addict and spouse into treatment. They ordinarily seek services at the same time, if the spouse gets help. Unfortunately, many times only the addict is treated.   

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How is Sexual Addiction - Help For the Sex Addict's Spouse - Part 5

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Although there are sick person and sick person treatment services, many sex addicts and their partners have a difficult time finding an standard treatment provider. Couples may seek marriage counseling and no address the sexual addiction.    

Possible reasons for this are varied, but couples often come to counseling with a range of relationship complaints that may not be immediately identifiable as sexual addiction. Addiction-related behavior or problems may be secret intentionally or unintentionally from the therapist and the incorporate may not understand the connections between the sexual behavior and their other presenting problems. Additionally, many treatment providers have a normal lack of knowledge about sexual addiction.  Sexual addiction demands treatment.   

Once sexual addiction has been correctly diagnosed, the addict's whole one goal would be abstinence from the compulsive sexual behavior(s).  A first step in achieving that goal is to define "abstinence". Although abstinence in drug addiction treatment is de facto defined, that is not necessarily the case with sexual addiction.  A lifetime of abstinence is not ordinarily recommended, but treatment for sexual addiction will often involve unblemished sexual abstinence for a duration of time (often 60-90 days),  Spouses should be part of the discussions about definitions of abstinence and any expectations of abstinence within the marriage for any duration of time. This is prominent because couples often assume that they agree on something when it has not even been discussed.  

Treatment for the addict and co-addict would involve schooling about sexual addiction.   The importance of using all salvage resources available, (i.e., sex addicts anonymous (Saa), sexaholics anonymous (Sa), Co-Sa (co-dependents of sex addicts), group counseling, private and couples counseling would be discussed. Therapists would also ordinarily make reading recommendations.  

What kinds of issues would the spouse of an addict work on in counseling? Many spouses initially have the attitude that it is the addict only that has "the problem". But when you look at the devastation in your own life that is connected with the sex addiction, you begin to see not just the advantage of counseling but the importance of it. 

A line of transportation begins, with aid in studying effective, non-acting out dialogue. Couples learn fair fighting and active listening skills. This assists in a more unabridged disclosure about the sexual compulsivity.  The addict ordinarily feels some relief about getting the secrets out into the open. But both the addict and spouse ordinarily feel remarkable shame. Both may feel grief. The spouse or co-addict may grieve the loss of the fantasy marriage. The addict may feel grief over the loss of the addiction. The spouse inevitably feels betrayed and very angry. Painful issues are uncovered. Couples need good transportation skills in order to talk about these painful experiences and feelings. Although the incorporate may be talking about these issues with each other, they may still be withdrawing and isolating from other house members and friends due to shame. Self esteem takes a hit in early salvage but ordinarily recovers while the process of salvage over time.   

Couples ordinarily need help with rebuilding, not just the trust and intimacy in their lives, but with damage to infrastructure, like finances. Some of the negative consequences of sexual addiction are loss of job, financial devastation, and an arrest or other legal consequences (i.e., sexual harassment). These are issues that require the processing of feelings, and problem solving skills. Partners need help working straight through the emotional damage of the acting out, with working straight through hurt feelings and betrayal, rebuilding trust, and recovering a willingness to risk letting down their guard with each other.  

The spouse needs therapeutic attentiveness of his/her own. Treatment goals for the co-addict would probably involve a frank consulation of feelings about the acting out, with an assessment of the damage to the spouse from that acting out. Spouses often blame themselves for the acting out, believing that if they were pretty/handsome enough, smart enough, sexual enough, etc. That their spouse would not be acting out. They may feel guilty about not finding it earlier and/or not recognizing the problem so that it could be solved. 

The spouse ordinarily needs help with studying to let go of accountability for the addict's recovery, to stop inappropriate caretaking or enabling, or to stop trying to control the addict. The co-addict is assisted in empowering themselves to make decisions based on strengths rather than fear. Self-esteem is a focus of therapeutic attention. 

Co-addicts often study in the process of salvage that they had their own issues before the sexual addiction issues surfaced. Similarly, the addict ordinarily has the beginning of their sexual addiction before the marriage. A lot of co-addicts (and addicts) search addictions of other house members, and unresolved house of origin trauma, like childhood sexual abuse, corporeal abuse, or neglect. These are issues that need to be addressed and treated in order to be able to truly be intimate in relationships.   

Just as the addict needs to change their core beliefs in recovery, the co-addict must change some core beliefs about themselves and their own competence in recovery. As salvage continues, and time passes, the co-addict can ultimately gather the trust for their addicted spouse. This is not a short process, and the addict often gets frustrated, angry, and resentful when the spouse continues to bring up the past, and discuss and process negative feelings. Counseling helps facilitate this process with aid in talking about it and reminding the addict that it takes the spouse this long to work straight through those feelings. 

The spouse's ability to gather trust for the sex addict is in part dependent upon their perception of addict's performance in honesty, consistency, dependability, and sensitivity to the co-addict's feelings.  Identifying and working straight through one's own issues, along with increase self-esteem and self-confidence, helps facilitate the salvage of trust. 

Other prominent therapeutic work of the spouse is development of a plan for how they would deal with relapse. Through their own hard work they learn to decide for themselves what they are willing to live with and what they are not. They learn to define and sound their bottom lines and to set boundaries about relapse accordingly. They learn to reject unacceptable behavior and take care of themselves. Co-addicts can learn to trust their own opinions and reality and make decisions standard to being responsible for their own health, welfare, and happiness.   

Treatment is not just for the addict. Even if the addict does not recover, the spouse can, if they are willing to do the work. Just divorcing the addict, ordinarily does not solve the problem for the co-addict. Without work, the emotional baggage that you carry colse to from one relationship to someone else just keeps getting heavier. 

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